Off to an ignominious start

I’m just going to say this right off the bat: I am a terrible mother.

All right, actually I’m a pretty amazing mother in some very specific ways: I am funny and imaginative and in a weird sort of way I get kids and I take them seriously in ways that most adults don’t.

But with very little provocation, I can also be as mean as a snake. And even less patient. I feel terrible about it mere seconds later, but by then, the damage is already done.

Don’t get me wrong: I’m not abusive. In fact, one of the reasons that I’m writing this blog is that I suspect a lot of you fellow parents out there know exactly what I’m talking about, and you’re thankful to know someone else who will admit to it.

Welcome; stick around. Let’s be asshole parents together. Asshole parents who love our kids but sometimes wish we could send them off to Hogwarts so we could have the whole Dursley house to ourselves.

* * *

I used to be a historian by trade, so I will usually speak by way of example.

Let’s take Mother’s Day. It was yesterday, and it was one of the worst days I’ve had in a long time.

Things started beautifully enough. A few days beforehand, my son (who’s 7) brought home the most amazingly sweet Mother’s Day card, filled with such charming sentiments as this (the teacher’s prompts are in bold, my son’s responses in plain text):

  • I like it when my Mom sings, it fills my heart with love.
  • I’d like to tell my Mom how much I love her, which is to much for me to explain.
  • My Mom has a pretty smile! I like to make her smile by saying “I’m sexy & I know it.”

Adorable, right? Funny and sincere and utterly tear-worthy. I wept. Which pleased him.

Then on Saturday, he had a sleepover at a friend’s house. I got to go see a movie and go out for a cocktail with my husband. They had squirt-gun fights and stayed up late.

And it’s that last thing that turned the whole of Mother’s Day on its ear. The boy was about five hours short of his usual sleep quota when he came home that morning. A good mother would recognize this and dial up her patience meter to 11. A perceptive but bad mother like me would recognize this but still fly off the handle when her 7-year-old son comes butt-naked into her home office, says he needs his ass wiped, and then proceeds to sit down on her office chair.

In his defense, he says, as I angrily wipe poop stains off my office chair, “you’ve never really taught me how to wipe. So it’s not my fault.”

Yeah. It all went downhill from there. An hour later, when my husband returned from church, we were both seething and Mother’s Day brunch wasn’t going to be happening.

* * *

It got better. Later.

But my point — in this first blog post — is this: motherhood is some seriously exhausting shit that will never completely wipe off of your office chair, no matter how much you scrub it and spray it with Febreze. There are profoundly redeeming qualities to being a parent, but those gorgeous moments we experience with our kids also come at great cost.

I’m done with pretending it’s all sweetness and light. It is bittersweet — a flavor that frankly is less cloying.



  1. knitnrun4sanity

    What is it about that comment “I’m sexy and I know it”? My 8year old says it a lot too. Where do they get it from? You sound like every other mum I know except you are able to publically admit it. Good on you 🙂

    • Elizabeth GM

      Thanks for the encouragement — and for my very first blog comment!

      The “sexy” line is from a song by that title by LMFAO. The funniest lyric comes just before that line: “I’ve got fashion in my pants and I ain’t afraid to show it…” How much fashion in one’s pants can one have when said pants have an elastic waistband?

      • Tara K

        A wiener?… That’s all I can think of.

        Love the post. Sorry M-Day didn’t pan out the way everyone hoped, but maybe you can have brunch next week instead?

        I sabotaged my M-Day by stayin up past 3:30am w/ husband & friends. Toddler woke at usual 8am after full night of sleep. We took a tag team approach to parenting & other than lunch at Matt’s we did nothing – we were too tired.

        – Thingwhatknits

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