Playground justice, yo
Yesterday, I went to talk to my son’s class about living in Germany. Liam’s social studies teacher asked any class parents who had lived in other countries to come talk about their experiences to the class.
I had such fun talking with the third graders about my six years out of the country. (My dad was stationed there for most of the 1980s, when I was in middle and high school.)
The kids were actually completely captivated, which may have been aided by the fact that I knew the crowd I was playing to. I talked a little bit of Cold War geopolitics at the beginning to explain why we were there, but mostly we talked about things like how much less sweet German desserts are; how when you order fish at restaurants, they bring it head-and-all; and how a bomb blew up outside our apartment building once (not everyone wanted American soldiers in their country, go figure). And they collapsed into peals of giggles when I read the words on my bus pass to them.
My son was clearly delighted that his mom was such a hit. So imagine his dismay when later that day, the class sociopath decided to ask Liam if he was going to have a baby brother or sister soon.
Let me make this quite clear: the kid who said this is as total and complete a creep as I have ever seen in this age group. I do not use the word sociopath lightly. He genuinely gives me the heebie-jeebies. So when he sneered to Liam, “Hey, is your mom having a baby or something?” — it was not in that innocent way that some kids have of stepping head-long into an unmeant insult. No, he was clearly trying to be nasty. He saw Liam — and everyone else, for that matter — enjoying a nice moment and decided to defecate on it.
My son was in tears for much of the afternoon. A few of his friends asked what was wrong, and he told them. And pretty soon the whole after-care program knew. And then an interesting thing happened. Every kid — and particularly the girls — ganged up on Sociopath, Jr. They chased him. They excluded him from their reindeer games. They shut him out.
Liam was anxious about talking to me about it last night. He was worried that my feelings would be hurt.
“Look, honey,” I said. “I am overweight…”
“No, you’re NOT!”
“… Well, yes, I am. But what I was going to say was, it’s OK. I take good care of myself, and I’m happy with who I am. And I’m not going to let what some little mean twit says about me ruin that happiness.”
“OK. I guess younger women worry about this stuff more than women your age do.”
Fair point. And one of the delights of being over 40.
I felt like this was one of those really significant moments in my son’s — and those kids’ — social development. According to my son, no one thought what Sociopath Jr. said was funny. They all shunned his behavior without mercy. And I got a chance to make clear to my son that self image is just that: self image. We can be strong enough to hold it sharp and clear in our minds, and not let the puny little creeps of the world nip it to death.
Bitterroot Mama 
Right on! And, a great post for international women’s day, no less!
Oh, you’re right! I hadn’t even thought about the connection, but am delighted to have made it inadvertently. 🙂
I so wish I could have heard your description of living in Germany, tailored for third graders. And I hope I see some of these significant social developments with my boys too! Feelings are hard to describe to them (they’re only 3 currently) but it’s times like these that even through the frustration, you know Liam and his friends were truly understanding what a mean insult is and they weren’t going to take it.
You and Aaron are both such kind and empathetic people — I have no doubt your boys will be as well. I worried a lot when Liam was that age because at that stage they’re not fully capable of empathy yet, and you can really start to wonder if you’re creating your own Sociopath Jr. But I realized, looking back on it, that that was just a developmental stage and the important messages got through when he was ready to receive them.
Liam sounds so much like my 7 year old that this brought tears to my eyes just a little bit…and the class sociopath comment made me laugh! Damn, every classroom has one don’t they?!
Seriously. It would make you weep for the next generation if it weren’t for all those other great kids!
Lizzie, Darlin’–You and Jack and Liam are such a wonderful family unit. No wonder he understood what the sociopath was saying. You all have given him such a strong, sound base to build on! Okay, and your family, too! I think it’s wonderful that he thinks for himself and makes the best choices. Of course, those are based on what I consider best! I may not always agree with everyone’s choices, but I surely agree with everyone’s right to have their own opinion. Now, Love you all more than you know!! Aunt Carol
Oh, you are very kind, Auntie Carol. And you’re right: it is so very satisfying to see him make good choices when he’s operating on his own steam. Much love to you, too.